The losses that made me.

(Trigger Warning)

They say it is not true that overtime our grief shrinks and then ultimately disappears, instead we grow and the grief stays the same. We all lost something or someone and there is always that hole that yearns to be filled, but maybe those aren't holes. Maybe the losses are what makes us appreciate what we had before and what they meant to us when they were still there.

In my losses I learned something about myself. A part of the people and the things that was taken from me has always been with me, and it makes me ponder... Is it still a loss?

Losing Angel

Circumstances took away a precious Angel from me. Up until now I am still imagining how life would be if she was still here. She came unexpectedly and we were in shock. Admittedly, I was scared to the bone, but when she was shown to us in a screen, all those fears just disappeared, and the only thing that remained in my heart and mind was I will give you the best life you deserve. I guess destiny had other plans for us. Along with my Angel, I lost my innocence. My eyes were opened on how I should get my shit together and made me serious about life. She gave me the loss that was hard to explain. I never really had the chance of holding her nor being with her, but seeing her and knowing she was a product of love that was taken swiftly, it broke me.

Death of a Father and Uncle

My grandfather served as our father figure when my parents separated. We lived our whole lives in their house and they treated us like their own grandkids, even though our real relation to them is that his wife is my real grandma's elder sister. He was the most workaholic and selfless person I know. He showed us the power of compassion and understanding. My grandma tells me that he isn't like that before we were born, so we were lucky. My uncle is the only sibling my mother has. I have few memories of him as he is always away battling his inner demons through drugs and alcohol. I never really saw him as a bad person, because although we had so little time together, almost all of our memories were happy, and I knew that we have big place in his heart as he never failed to show us. His death was very painful as we were just seeing him being renewed and happy again with his life. When I look at myself I sometimes see them within me. I am afraid of not having a job and not finishing a task, because I know deep in myself this is for my family and I could never say no to them, just like grandpa. The soft heart I have that sometimes get defeated by my own thoughts remind me of my uncle, and besides all the self inflicted hate and anguish I never forget to show my love to people that matter to me.

Forgetting Who I Was

The unexpected loss of my self-esteem. Moving from a province to the city greatly influenced the reduction of my confidence. From my physical appearance to my mental abilities, I was challenged everyday. I tried to cope, and somehow it left me scarred. I had always been in the top performing group in class, and I have always been liked by the people I had been with, but the jump I made was too far and it took its toll. I was teased of being poorly attired and going with the speed of how things were in the city took me apart. I have just found out recently that I had always been second guessing every move, ever since. I cannot decide on my own, without doubting myself first making me lose most of the opportunities that was presented to me.

Fitting the Puzzle Pieces

With all of these losses I discovered parts of me. Losing Angel made me grow and mature, while making me more appreciative of all the things that were made by love itself. The death of my grandpa and uncle showed me traits in me that I never knew was there from the very beginning, and it made me understanding and more loving, because every moment matters. Lastly, losing my self confidence humbled me, and taught me the greatest thing I could ever learn.... Acceptance. Not everything is in your favor, and IT IS OKAY, because what really matters is how you see yourself.

I admit, I miss them all, and maybe this is the selfish part of me thinking, but perhaps they never left, and there was never a hole to fill. It is possible that it is part of a bigger lesson to help us understand more of our selves, and the first part is grief and pain and ends with acceptance.